by Prof. Missa Matz
I ca'tn seme to type rigth. My fingres don't wrok teh wya they are supposed to. OMG, A SENTENCE. Okay, half a sentence. ANOTHER sentence! Btu it onyl latst fro liek a few mintues. What should I do?! Don't tele me grammra chekcer. Or Wrod. I need soemthing ORIGINAL.
Sincerely,
Cannot Type 2 saev my leife.
Cannot Type,
You have a serious problem. Have you ever tried to slow down and pay attention to what you are doing? Most likely not, since you seem to have all the tendencies of a quidditch player. There is only one cure for your inability to type properly. Assuming you can even read
- Snape
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Dear Professor Snape,
I have a problem. You see, I got a rubber duck about a month ago and he still hasn't got a name. I'm afraid he'll have an identity crisis soon, but I cannot think of a fitting moniker. Can you think of one for me?
-Signed,
Needing a Name
Needing a Name -
You are aware that a rubber duck is an inanimate object? It doesn't have feelings. It's not alive. It's made out of rubber for Merlin's sake! The only identity crisis it would experience is the one going through your head because you think you are the rubber duck. Which is just sick and twisted. Does that mean you play with your ducky self in the bath? Oh Merlin, that is just too sick to think about. You are a menace and you can use a couple of good shock treatments at St. Mungo's. Or actually, I will provide those to you in detention. Next Saturday you lunatic, be there.
- Snape
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Prof. Snape,
Yo, dawg. I'm like, havin' some probs with the ladies lately. I mean, I'm a hot babe. I got this rock hard body and my hair is perfect. Babes should all be bowin' down to me. I know you're the master of babes. What can I do, yo? What's your secret? Is it your long black hair parted in curtains around your sallow face and black eyes? I can try this, dawg.
Word,
G-dawg.
G-Idiot,
You obviously have made a mistake thinking that a person would want to hear a word come out of your mouth if you talk like you just typed. Atrociously bad and more than vaguely disturbing. No wonder you can't get a girl since you obviously haven't matured past the point of a garden gnome. As for the pathetic attempt to annoy me with your lack of decorum, it's not even worth a detention it was so sad.
- Snape
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Dear Snape,
I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed out about the upcoming OWLs. I know they're still months away, but I know there are so many things I still need to know. How can I learn it all with so little time?
Sincerely,
Pulling Hair
Pulling Hair,
You've been here five years and you're just now starting to study? Well there's your problem right there. You're a slacker who didn't take the opportunity to learn when you had the chance. Now it's come back to bite you in the butt. I laugh at your predicament. Perhaps next time you'll learn to pay attention to your studies.
- Snape
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Professor Snape,
I am so terrified of global warning! Climate change! What are we going to do? The earth is going to melt and we're going to drown! The polar bears! HAPPY FEET! Help Happy Feet!
Yours,
Concerned for Happy Feet
Concerned,
You are an idiot. I have no other response to such ridiculousness.
- Snape