by Hailey Potter
Parvati: So I hear the new Paw Print theme is “Old and new.”
Lavender: There’s a lot of things that are old and new, but we stick around through them all!
Parvati: Oh, that’s so true! We do, don’t we?
Lavender: Here we are, year by year, giving people their tea leaves readings.
Parvati: They never appreciate us!
Lavender: They really don’t. And we could be saving their lives. You never know.
Parvati: Our tea leaves readings are just that important. They should be ashamed for ignoring us!
Lavender: Well, we still have our loyal readers.
Parvati: Yes, we really do.
Lavender: And because of that, the show must go on! And Parv, don’t start singing, please.
Parvati: You’re the boss here!
Lavender: Yes, I am. Let’s begin!
Virgo
*swish*
Parvati: *hums* Wonder what the tea leaves have in store for us today.
Lavender: There’s no telling.
Parvati: Something exciting, I hope! Especially for my sign.
Lavender: I’m sure it will be exciting. Maybe not what people expect though.
Parvati: It never is.
Lavender: So true. It’s…
Fish
Lavender: I wonder if that’s plural or singular.
Parvati: Isn’t it all the same?
Lavender: Of course not, Parv, I’m completely scandalized. A singular fish represents stinkiness.
Parvati: That’s awful! A month of smelling bad!
Lavender: Plural fish means you will be popular. Cause ‘school of fish.’
Parvati: Oh, it does matter.
Lavender: Of course, plural fish would be better, so it’s probably singular.
Parvati: Better carry around lots of perfume this month!
Lavender: You’ve got that right!
Libra
*swish*
Parvati: I need some new perfume.
Lavender: You really do. We all hate that floral nonsense you’re using right now.
Parvati: People do start sneezing the second I walk in a room…
Lavender: And I don’t think a boy who is snotty-nosed is attractive. You should go with something with a hint of fruit.
Parvati: Oranges maybe?
Lavender: That’s a random scent. I was thinking apple…
Parvati: But I love oranges!
Lavender: …. anyways. It’s...
A flag
Parvati: Libra… I have no clue. Lavender?
Lavender: There’s a symbol in your life this month, Libra, that’s going to represent a huge aspect in your life.
Parvati: Deep…
Lavender: That symbol will be your flag.
Parvati: Are you sure it’s just not about their country?
Lavender: No, it’s a symbol. For sure.
Parvati: If you say so…
*swish*
Parvati: Squishy squishy!
Lavender: Don’t play with the leaves, Parv.
Parvati: But it’s so fun!
Lavender: It messes up the readings though.
Parvati: It’s just Scorpio. No need to get all pinchy about it.
Lavender: Not funny, Parv.
Parvati: What?
Lavender: Pinchy… pincers… scorpions…
Parvati: Huh?
Lavender: Never mind. It’s…
Yarn
Parvati: Oh, no Scorpio, you’re going to unravel this month.
Lavender: Yes, seems like it’s going to be a bad month for you.
Parvati: See if you can find a friend to braid you back up again.
Lavender: Or at least help make you into something nice.
Parvati: Like a blanket!
Lavender: Or a scarf!
Parvati: A skirt made of yarn though is really ugly. So don’t make yourself into that.
Lavender: Or booties. Those look so silly…
Parvati: Fashion disasters!
Lavender: Completely.
Sagittarius
*swish*
Parvati: I need a new blanket though. My old one is getting too small.
Lavender: It’s been too small. It’s your baby blanket.
Parvati: Shh… no need to tell the audience that.
Lavender: You brought it up… you can only blame yourself.
Parvati: You didn’t have to share it though! That’s not what friends do!
Lavender: You’d do it to me in a heartbeat.
Parvati: I really wouldn’t, and you know that! It’s...
A tissue
Parvati: Oh, no! Sadness!
Lavender: Indeed, you’re going to be crying a lot this month, Sagittariuses.
Parvati: Or have a runny nose.
Lavender: You’ve been around Parvati’s perfume, haven’t you?
Parvati: Find something to cheer you up, because no one wants to be sad.
Lavender: Whether music, or a book, or working with children, just do something to make you happy and stop the tears.
Parvati: And if that fails… find yourself a boyfriend or girlfriend!
Lavender: I happen to know a girl right here who is totally available.
Parvati: ME!
Lavender: No. Me. *strikes a pose*
Capricorn
*swish*
Parvati: Hopefully this will be happier.
Lavender: You never know with the tea leaves.
Parvati: You never do, do you?
Lavender: Nope.
Parvati: Well, we’ll see in a few seconds.
Lavender: But first, what to talk about?
Parvati: I heard a first year student tried a new Weasley product last week. Tongue swelled to the size of a grapefruit.
Lavender: Ow.
Parvati: Yeah. Madame Pomfrey had a nightmare trying to fix him.
Lavender: It’s always a boy…
Parvati: It’s…
A candle
Lavender: Ahh, Capricorn, your flame will burn strong this month.
Parvati: Or blow out.
Lavender: But will mostly burn strong.
Parvati: But not necessarily in love.
Lavender: That is true. It could be many things. Family, home, school.
Parvati: Or during a nice dinner.
Lavender: Or while you’re finishing up your novel.
Parvati: That candle could even inspire your novel.
Lavender: Maybe it’s a candle in the wind. You never know.
Parvati: Let us know!
Aquarius
*swish*
Lavender: I’d like to take a bubble bath with candles tonight.
Parvati: Oh, that’s such a good idea. It’s so exhausting, telling everyone their fortunes.
Lavender: Staring into the leaves…
Parvati: … letting them speak to us…
Lavender: So exhausting.
Parvati: I heard there’s this new everlasting bubbles potion.
Lavender: Ooh, I so want to try that!
Parvati: Me, too. It’s...
A nose
Parvati: Uh oh!
Lavender: Someone is getting all up in your business this month, Aquarius.
Parvati: Make sure you watch your back!
Lavender: If you don’t someone is bound to twist your words and make your life miserable.
Parvati: Be very careful.
Lavender: On the other hand, watch yourself as well. If you are nosy with others, it will come back to bite you.
Parvati: So keep others’ names out of your mouth this month!
Lavender:That’s sound advice. Save your gossip for another month. This is not the month to gossip!
Pisces
*swish*
Parvati: I hope they listen to our warnings!
Lavender: Why wouldn’t they? We’re reading the leaves!
Parvati: That’s totally true. Who would deny the leaves?
Lavender: No one in their right mind.
Parvati: The leaves are always right.
Lavender: Always. It’s…
A goblet
Lavender: You sup with power people.
Parvati: What does that even mean??
Lavender: It means that you share drinks with powerful people. If you’re careful you will become powerful yourself.
Parvati: So… they could become someone.
Lavender: Yes, but only if you play your cards right. Don’t get cocky.
Parvati: No one likes a cocky person.
Lavender: And drink well and confidently.
Parvati: This is the weirdest reading ever.
Lavender: You’re just jealous because you didn’t read it first.
Parvati: Whatever.
Lavender: You know it’s true.
Aries
*swish*
Parvati: Before you know it, it’s going to be Gryfftoberfest.
Lavender: I hear they’re already planning for a crazy time!
Parvati: We have a crazy time every year.
Lavender: That’s true.
Parvati: I’m so excited! It’s the best time of the year.
Lavender: Outside of June, of course. A couple of months’ rest is a good thing.
Parvati: I do love summer…
Lavender: You get to spend all your time with your friends with nothing getting in the way!
Parvati: Very true. It’s…
Carpet
Parvati: Ooh, are we going on a magic carpet ride this month?
Lavender: No, Parv. And you’re not even an Aries.
Parvati: I know, but still. I wanna magic carpet ride.
Lavender: Well, you’re not getting it. Aries, you’re going to get carpet burn this year. I know that sucks, but it’s just a part of life.
Parvati: So be careful not to fall down and get the carpet burn.
Lavender: No, have a bandaid ready to patch it up. This bandaid could be music, a friend, a new girlfriend by the name of Lavender Brown…
Parvati: LAVENDER…
Lavender: Just be ready!
Taurus
*swish*
Parvati: I read in Witch Weekly the other day that bandaids are the new fashion statement in younger wizarding children.
Lavender: How do you wear bandaids for fashion?
Parvati: Like on your arm. Like an arm band or something.
Lavender: Sounds kind of stupid to me. Or they’re just trying to hide how clumsy they are. Fads are so strange.
Parvati: Fads are fabulous.
Lavender: Parvati, just stop talking. It’s...
A plug
Parvati: ….. that can’t be right.
Lavender: Taurus, you’re going to be out of energy a lot this month and find a source to “plug” into. This could mean you might require more rest or food. So stop staying up late playing wizard chess and poking at the fire in the Common Room and actually go to bed!
Parvati: And it’s always good to pocket some food from the Great Hall.
Lavender: Just don’t let a teacher catch you. The punishment for taking food is helping the elves in the kitchen for a week.
Parvati: And if the elves catch you stealing food down there they attack you with hand towels!
Lavender: Whoever knew house elves were so violent?
Parvati: Hermione was out of her mind with SPEW.
Lavender: She was always out of her mind.
Parvati: Well, that may be true, but at least she’s not stuck here doing tea leaves readings for the rest of her life.
Gemini
*swish*
Lavender: Anyways! Gemini!
Parvati: Yay, my sign!
Lavender: Yes, it’s your sign. We all know. You’re a Gemini.
Parvati: I just get so excited.
Lavender: Yes, we all know. You’re jumping up and down.
Parvati: Just read the tea leaves, Lavender!!
Lavender: If you insist. It’s…
Letters
Lavender: You’re going to receive a meaningful message from someone important this month.
Parvati: Oooh, I wonder who?
Lavender: That’s for you to figure out.
Parvati: Well, I will.
Lavender: Good. For the rest of you Geminis, just remember, this might be the message you’re waiting for, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily good. Sometimes it’s not what you want to hear but it’s something you need to move on.
Parvati: Boo! I don’t like the sound of that at all!
Lavender: It’s just a part of life, Parv. Whether you like it or not.
Parvati: Haven’t you already said that?
Cancer
*swish*
Lavender: I need some butterbeer.
Parvati: The end is always so exhausting.
Lavender: Especially when I do all the work.
Parvati: No, I squish the leaves!
Lavender: I could do that myself.
Parvati: But you would miss me. You know you would!
Lavender: Unfortunately, you are probably right…
Parvati: Probably?!
Lavender: Haha, oops. It’s...
Children
Lavender: You’re going to work with children this month, Cancer!
Parvati: Hope you like them!
Lavender: Just be prepared. They really say the craziest things!
Parvati: Like what?
Lavender: Like…. once I heard a five year old girl use the phrase, “Oh, pickles!” after she messed up something.
Parvati: Aww, they’re so cute!
Lavender: If you like that kind of thing.
Parvati: You know you do.
Lavender: I prefer cute boys.
Leo
*swish*
Parvati: Finally! Last one.
Lavender: I’m so excited.
Parvati: I’m so going to bed after this.
Lavender: It’s the afternoon though.
Parvati: I’m just so exhausted though. I need to sleep.
Lavender: If you say so.
Parvati: Let’s just get it over with. It’s…
Jalapenos
Parvati: Yummy!
Lavender: You’re going to have a spicy month! Just try to stay away from the seeds… you don’t want it to be too spicy!
Parvati: A little spice is good. A lot of spice is bad.
Lavender: You’re exactly right, Parv.
Parvati: No offense to the Spice Squad, though.
Lavender: Hope they don’t mind the shout out!
Parvati: They can always use some publicity…
Lavender: Okay, guys! That’s it for today!
Parvati: Make sure to come back next time!
Lavender: Yes, it’s a super special Gryfftoberfest edition!
Parvati: It’s going to be great!
Lavender: Until next time…
Parvati: This is Parvati and Lavender with Talons and Tea Leaves!
Lavender: … :et’s just go.