By Hailey Potter
Lavender: Welcome! I’m so excited to see a bigger crowd after last time!
Parvati: Definitely!
Lavender: You’re not allowed to talk, Parvati. I’m still mad at you, you know. *glares*
Parvati: You’re just jealous you missed almost all of the fashion show.
Lavender: At least I know what’s important- our fans!
Parvati: That’s only because you’ve been bribing them with free desserts.
Lavender: Why you-
Trelawney: Girls, girls, what on earth is going on in here?!
Lavender and Parvati: Professor Trelawney!
Trelawney: I sensed a very dark force all the way from my office.
Parvati: You’re the best seer ever, Professor.
Trelawney: I know child, although one never boasts. Both of you read the leaves so much better when there is no negative energy in the room!
Parvati: She’s right, you know.
Lavender: Fine, Parv. You’re forgiven. Can we just get on with it?
Trelawney: Ah, yes, I can feel the positive energy returning. My work here is done! *leaves*
Parvati: Okay, back to business!
Aries
*swish*
Parvati: I’m so glad you’re not mad at me anymore. *dances*
Lavender: Yeah, just thank Professor Trelawney for feeling negative energy.
Parvati: I’m surprised she didn’t hear you screaming at me.
Lavender: Professor Trelawney has The Gift. She doesn’t hear normal things.
Parvati: Oh, you’re probably right!
Lavender: Of course I’m right. It’s…
A quill
Parvati: Ooh, you’re going to be tickled!
Lavender: ….what are you talking about?
Parvati: Cause you know… feathers.
Lavender: …..well, Aries. You get to reinvent yourselves this month.
Parvati: You could dye your hair!
Lavender: Or do a whole lot of other stuff. You’re a blank canvas!
Parvati: To be made into a beautiful work of art.
Lavender: So poetic.
Taurus
*swish*
Parvati: Professor Trelawney should have stayed for her leaves.
Lavender: She’s a seer. She doesn’t need a pile of leaves telling her her future.
Parvati: True. Although it might have warned her of Umbridge.
Lavender: No one could have warned us about Umbridge.
Parvati: Also true. It’s…
A scarf
Parvati: It’ll keep you warm during these cold months!
Lavender: Okay, Taurus. You’ll be protected this month.
Parvati: By a scarf?
Lavender: No, it could be anyone, really. A person, and item, a tall handsome man…
Parvati: You need help, Lavender.
Lavender: You know you want a boyfriend too….
Gemini
*swish*
Parvati: Doo, doo-doo, Gemini is always my favorite.
Lavender: Cause you’re like the poster child for Gemini, born in June and a twin and all.
Parvati: True…
Lavender: No one was made to be Gemini like you and Padma.
Parvati: I got all the good looks, though!
Lavender: Parvati, that’s rude! True, but rude. It’s…
Red
Parvati: “Loving him was *dum dum dum dum dum something* loving him was dark *duh duh duh something.. something something duh duh duh* loving him was red….”
Lavender: PARVATI QUIT SINGING, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE WORDS!
Parvati: I’M SORRY! I LOVE IT!
Trelawney: GIRLS!
Parvati and Lavender: SORRY, PROFESSOR!
Lavender: Well, Gemini, you’ll be red with envy this month.
Parvati: I thought green was envy…
Lavender: Red with anger.
Parvati: Ooh, that’s no fun.
Lavender: Try not to go all Incredible Hulk on anyone.
Parvati: DEFINITELY a bad idea.
Cancer
*swish*
Lavender: We should probably behave. Trelawney’s likely to sack us if we keep misbehaving.
Parvati: Oh, you’ve got a good point. I like this job.
Lavender: It pays well too.
Parvati: Wait, what?? You get PAID for this?
Lavender: You don’t?
Parvati: No!
Lavender: awkward… it’s…
A box
Parvati: …. Ew. You’re not going to be interesting this month, Cancer.
Lavender: Yes, very plain. Not good.
Parvati: No, it really isn’t.
Lavender: If I were you, I’d return that box.
Parvati: For something shiny!
Lavender: Or maybe something you can wear around your neck.
Parvati: Or your finger.
Lavender: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, you know.
Leo
*swish*
Parvati: I wish I had diamonds…
Lavender: I wish I had a man to give me diamonds…
Parvati: Well I know what to give you this Christmas….
Lavender: Ooh, please do! Make him cute!
Parvati: I’ll put a nice red bow on him!
Lavender: I love that idea! It’s…
Pickles
Parvati: How do you like them pickles?
Lavender: …. Is that even how the phrase goes?
Parvati: Yes?
Lavender: Well, too bad for Leo. Things are going to be very sour this month.
Parvati: But I like pickles!
Lavender: But they’re sour!
Parvati: What about sweet pickles?
Lavender: Eww.
Parvati: I think you’ll have a sweet month.
Lavender: Sour!
Parvati: Sweet!
Lavender: Whatever.
Virgo
*swish*
Lavender: I hear in the States they fry pickles.
Parvati: That’s disgusting.
Lavender: They’re really weird in the States.
Parvati: I hear they fry everything in the southern states.
Lavender: So weird.
Parvati: It’s…
A rubber haddock
Parvati: ….. what does that even mean?
Lavender: It’s a fish.
Parvati: A rubber fish…. Rubber fish…
Lavender: Someone’s going to pull a prank on you this month, Virgo!
Parvati: Oh, no!
Lavender: So watch your back, and never accept anything you don’t recognize.
Parvati: That’s good advice.
Lavender: I should be an advice guru.
Parvati: You’d be so good at that.
Libra
*swish*
Parvati: Are we done yet?
Lavender: We’re only half-way through.
Parvati: Oh, poo.
Lavender: We’ll be done before you know it!
Parvati: Ooh, I do hope so.
Lavender: Just don’t run off on me again.
Parvati: It’s…
A ukulele
Parvati: You’ll be happy this month!
Lavender: I would have went more with peaceful.
Parvati: I imagine sitting on a cot on the beach playing a ukulele…
Lavender: That IS peaceful.
Parvati: It’s also happy.
Lavender: Okay, well, Libra, you’re going to have a peaceful and happy month then!
Scorpio
*swish*
Parvati: I occasionally know what I’m talking about.
Lavender: That’s what you think.
Parvati: What? I do!
Lavender: You just accidentally stumble into things…
Parvati: I do sometimes trip!
Lavender: It’s…
A pigeon
Parvati: Eww.
Lavender: How common.
Parvati: A common pest. No one likes pigeons.
Lavender: Don’t they clean up like filth and germs in the city?
Parvati: I thought they carried diseases…
Lavender: Bad news, Scorpio, you’ll be cleaning up icky stuff.
Parvati: Eww… poor Scorpio.
Lavender: Well, someone’s gotta do it. I just hate that it’s Scorpio…
Sagittarius
*swish*
Parvati: Four more to go!
Lavender: We really need to change up the order one day. The end people always get the crap readings ‘cause you’re tired of doing it.
Parvati: I do get tired… it’s exhausting, really.
Lavender: Maybe I should get a new partner.
Parvati: But Lavender, we’re besties. You promised I would always be your tea leaves partner.
Lavender: Don’t worry, best friends run thicker than a stranger.
Parvati: Okay, good. It’s…
An iPhone
Parvati: Do wizards really need phones?
Lavender: It’s not about the phone, silly, it’s about what it represents.
Parvati: What does it represent?
Lavender: It represents being the best this month.
Parvati: The best?
Lavender: The best of the best.
Parvati: Oh, that’s really awesome.
Capricorn
*swish*
Parvati: What if in another world our readings mean the opposite?
Lavender: Like a bad omen?
Parvati: No, like the iPhone would mean the worst of the worst.
Lavender: That would be unfortunate. Although Sagittarius would appreciate it.
Parvati: That’s true.
Lavender: That was surprisingly deep, Parv. Maybe I’m rubbing off on you.
Parvati: One can only hope! It’s…
A safari
Parvati: Ooh, you’re taking a journey!
Lavender: Yes, an adventure will certainly happen.
Parvati: You can see animals!
Lavender: No, it’s not a literal safari, Parv.
Parvati: Oh, well, what kind of safari is it then?
Lavender: A metaphorical one.
Parvati: A pretty one!
Aquarius
*swish*
Lavender: Only two more to go, Parv!
Parvati: I’m so excited!
Lavender: What are you going to do after this?
Parvati: I’m going to get lunch!
Lavender: Ooh, I wonder what’s in the Great Hall for lunch.
Parvati: Hopefully something amazing!
Lavender: I hope that too! It’s…
Sand
Parvati: Your hourglass is ticking!
Lavender: Or you should exfoliate this month….
Parvati: You should exfoliate all the time.
Lavender: All jokes aside, your time will pass quickly this month, Aquarius.
Parvati: Well, that’s no fun.
Lavender: It might. It might pass quickly because you’re having a good time.
Parvati: Or it might be good because you’re having a rough month.
Lavender: Either way, I think you’re going to have a good month!
Pisces
*swish*
Parvati: Last one, last one!
Lavender: I never thought we’d make it to the end.
Parvati: Me neither.
Lavender: Well, Parvati, do the favors.
Parvati: It’s…
A video
Lavender: Special memories are going to be formed soon, Pisces.
Parvati: I love memories…
Lavender: Me too. Especially if-
Parvati: They involve a boy, yes, we know, Lav.
Lavender: Shut up, Parv. Pisces, we hope you enjoy your special moments!
Parvati: Make sure to tell us about them next month!
Lavender: Well, Parvati, another session done.
Parvati: I do hope they appreciate their readings.
Lavender: I’m sure they do.
Parvati: Now… desserts for everyone!
Lavender: *elbows*
Parvati: Definitely!
Lavender: You’re not allowed to talk, Parvati. I’m still mad at you, you know. *glares*
Parvati: You’re just jealous you missed almost all of the fashion show.
Lavender: At least I know what’s important- our fans!
Parvati: That’s only because you’ve been bribing them with free desserts.
Lavender: Why you-
Trelawney: Girls, girls, what on earth is going on in here?!
Lavender and Parvati: Professor Trelawney!
Trelawney: I sensed a very dark force all the way from my office.
Parvati: You’re the best seer ever, Professor.
Trelawney: I know child, although one never boasts. Both of you read the leaves so much better when there is no negative energy in the room!
Parvati: She’s right, you know.
Lavender: Fine, Parv. You’re forgiven. Can we just get on with it?
Trelawney: Ah, yes, I can feel the positive energy returning. My work here is done! *leaves*
Parvati: Okay, back to business!
Aries
*swish*
Parvati: I’m so glad you’re not mad at me anymore. *dances*
Lavender: Yeah, just thank Professor Trelawney for feeling negative energy.
Parvati: I’m surprised she didn’t hear you screaming at me.
Lavender: Professor Trelawney has The Gift. She doesn’t hear normal things.
Parvati: Oh, you’re probably right!
Lavender: Of course I’m right. It’s…
A quill
Parvati: Ooh, you’re going to be tickled!
Lavender: ….what are you talking about?
Parvati: Cause you know… feathers.
Lavender: …..well, Aries. You get to reinvent yourselves this month.
Parvati: You could dye your hair!
Lavender: Or do a whole lot of other stuff. You’re a blank canvas!
Parvati: To be made into a beautiful work of art.
Lavender: So poetic.
Taurus
*swish*
Parvati: Professor Trelawney should have stayed for her leaves.
Lavender: She’s a seer. She doesn’t need a pile of leaves telling her her future.
Parvati: True. Although it might have warned her of Umbridge.
Lavender: No one could have warned us about Umbridge.
Parvati: Also true. It’s…
A scarf
Parvati: It’ll keep you warm during these cold months!
Lavender: Okay, Taurus. You’ll be protected this month.
Parvati: By a scarf?
Lavender: No, it could be anyone, really. A person, and item, a tall handsome man…
Parvati: You need help, Lavender.
Lavender: You know you want a boyfriend too….
Gemini
*swish*
Parvati: Doo, doo-doo, Gemini is always my favorite.
Lavender: Cause you’re like the poster child for Gemini, born in June and a twin and all.
Parvati: True…
Lavender: No one was made to be Gemini like you and Padma.
Parvati: I got all the good looks, though!
Lavender: Parvati, that’s rude! True, but rude. It’s…
Red
Parvati: “Loving him was *dum dum dum dum dum something* loving him was dark *duh duh duh something.. something something duh duh duh* loving him was red….”
Lavender: PARVATI QUIT SINGING, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE WORDS!
Parvati: I’M SORRY! I LOVE IT!
Trelawney: GIRLS!
Parvati and Lavender: SORRY, PROFESSOR!
Lavender: Well, Gemini, you’ll be red with envy this month.
Parvati: I thought green was envy…
Lavender: Red with anger.
Parvati: Ooh, that’s no fun.
Lavender: Try not to go all Incredible Hulk on anyone.
Parvati: DEFINITELY a bad idea.
Cancer
*swish*
Lavender: We should probably behave. Trelawney’s likely to sack us if we keep misbehaving.
Parvati: Oh, you’ve got a good point. I like this job.
Lavender: It pays well too.
Parvati: Wait, what?? You get PAID for this?
Lavender: You don’t?
Parvati: No!
Lavender: awkward… it’s…
A box
Parvati: …. Ew. You’re not going to be interesting this month, Cancer.
Lavender: Yes, very plain. Not good.
Parvati: No, it really isn’t.
Lavender: If I were you, I’d return that box.
Parvati: For something shiny!
Lavender: Or maybe something you can wear around your neck.
Parvati: Or your finger.
Lavender: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, you know.
Leo
*swish*
Parvati: I wish I had diamonds…
Lavender: I wish I had a man to give me diamonds…
Parvati: Well I know what to give you this Christmas….
Lavender: Ooh, please do! Make him cute!
Parvati: I’ll put a nice red bow on him!
Lavender: I love that idea! It’s…
Pickles
Parvati: How do you like them pickles?
Lavender: …. Is that even how the phrase goes?
Parvati: Yes?
Lavender: Well, too bad for Leo. Things are going to be very sour this month.
Parvati: But I like pickles!
Lavender: But they’re sour!
Parvati: What about sweet pickles?
Lavender: Eww.
Parvati: I think you’ll have a sweet month.
Lavender: Sour!
Parvati: Sweet!
Lavender: Whatever.
Virgo
*swish*
Lavender: I hear in the States they fry pickles.
Parvati: That’s disgusting.
Lavender: They’re really weird in the States.
Parvati: I hear they fry everything in the southern states.
Lavender: So weird.
Parvati: It’s…
A rubber haddock
Parvati: ….. what does that even mean?
Lavender: It’s a fish.
Parvati: A rubber fish…. Rubber fish…
Lavender: Someone’s going to pull a prank on you this month, Virgo!
Parvati: Oh, no!
Lavender: So watch your back, and never accept anything you don’t recognize.
Parvati: That’s good advice.
Lavender: I should be an advice guru.
Parvati: You’d be so good at that.
Libra
*swish*
Parvati: Are we done yet?
Lavender: We’re only half-way through.
Parvati: Oh, poo.
Lavender: We’ll be done before you know it!
Parvati: Ooh, I do hope so.
Lavender: Just don’t run off on me again.
Parvati: It’s…
A ukulele
Parvati: You’ll be happy this month!
Lavender: I would have went more with peaceful.
Parvati: I imagine sitting on a cot on the beach playing a ukulele…
Lavender: That IS peaceful.
Parvati: It’s also happy.
Lavender: Okay, well, Libra, you’re going to have a peaceful and happy month then!
Scorpio
*swish*
Parvati: I occasionally know what I’m talking about.
Lavender: That’s what you think.
Parvati: What? I do!
Lavender: You just accidentally stumble into things…
Parvati: I do sometimes trip!
Lavender: It’s…
A pigeon
Parvati: Eww.
Lavender: How common.
Parvati: A common pest. No one likes pigeons.
Lavender: Don’t they clean up like filth and germs in the city?
Parvati: I thought they carried diseases…
Lavender: Bad news, Scorpio, you’ll be cleaning up icky stuff.
Parvati: Eww… poor Scorpio.
Lavender: Well, someone’s gotta do it. I just hate that it’s Scorpio…
Sagittarius
*swish*
Parvati: Four more to go!
Lavender: We really need to change up the order one day. The end people always get the crap readings ‘cause you’re tired of doing it.
Parvati: I do get tired… it’s exhausting, really.
Lavender: Maybe I should get a new partner.
Parvati: But Lavender, we’re besties. You promised I would always be your tea leaves partner.
Lavender: Don’t worry, best friends run thicker than a stranger.
Parvati: Okay, good. It’s…
An iPhone
Parvati: Do wizards really need phones?
Lavender: It’s not about the phone, silly, it’s about what it represents.
Parvati: What does it represent?
Lavender: It represents being the best this month.
Parvati: The best?
Lavender: The best of the best.
Parvati: Oh, that’s really awesome.
Capricorn
*swish*
Parvati: What if in another world our readings mean the opposite?
Lavender: Like a bad omen?
Parvati: No, like the iPhone would mean the worst of the worst.
Lavender: That would be unfortunate. Although Sagittarius would appreciate it.
Parvati: That’s true.
Lavender: That was surprisingly deep, Parv. Maybe I’m rubbing off on you.
Parvati: One can only hope! It’s…
A safari
Parvati: Ooh, you’re taking a journey!
Lavender: Yes, an adventure will certainly happen.
Parvati: You can see animals!
Lavender: No, it’s not a literal safari, Parv.
Parvati: Oh, well, what kind of safari is it then?
Lavender: A metaphorical one.
Parvati: A pretty one!
Aquarius
*swish*
Lavender: Only two more to go, Parv!
Parvati: I’m so excited!
Lavender: What are you going to do after this?
Parvati: I’m going to get lunch!
Lavender: Ooh, I wonder what’s in the Great Hall for lunch.
Parvati: Hopefully something amazing!
Lavender: I hope that too! It’s…
Sand
Parvati: Your hourglass is ticking!
Lavender: Or you should exfoliate this month….
Parvati: You should exfoliate all the time.
Lavender: All jokes aside, your time will pass quickly this month, Aquarius.
Parvati: Well, that’s no fun.
Lavender: It might. It might pass quickly because you’re having a good time.
Parvati: Or it might be good because you’re having a rough month.
Lavender: Either way, I think you’re going to have a good month!
Pisces
*swish*
Parvati: Last one, last one!
Lavender: I never thought we’d make it to the end.
Parvati: Me neither.
Lavender: Well, Parvati, do the favors.
Parvati: It’s…
A video
Lavender: Special memories are going to be formed soon, Pisces.
Parvati: I love memories…
Lavender: Me too. Especially if-
Parvati: They involve a boy, yes, we know, Lav.
Lavender: Shut up, Parv. Pisces, we hope you enjoy your special moments!
Parvati: Make sure to tell us about them next month!
Lavender: Well, Parvati, another session done.
Parvati: I do hope they appreciate their readings.
Lavender: I’m sure they do.
Parvati: Now… desserts for everyone!
Lavender: *elbows*