by Chadwick Cadet
It’s that time of year again. Finals have just ended, and we have a few days off before we all head home for the holidays again. The House Elves are preparing their big clean of the castle, Argus Filch is scrounging for any last illegal artifacts he can find, and Professor Missa Matz is celebrating her break from all of the students. All appears to be well in the world – or does it?
HOL is suffering from a severe miscalculation. Gryffindor by no means should be in last place this year – or any of the previous years for that matter. Gryffindor rightfully deserves to be out of the trenches, and taking home the House Cup this year. All of the Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and Slytherin students reading this – do not roll your eyes and ignore this message, for it is important that everyone realizes the severe injustice Gryffindor has been experiencing. We cannot allow for this disservice to our school’s honorable and respectable name to continue any longer.
Gryffindor is the house of the world renowned wizard, Harry Potter. If you haven’t heard of him, he beat the evil wannabe-world-ruler Lord Voldemort before eventually killing him when he was seventeen. He was also the Triwizard Champion during his fourth year and a very popular Quidditch captain during his time at Hogwarts. After graduating he even became the Head of the Auror Office! If that doesn’t impress you, he also was the founding investor in the Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes – if that doesn’t speak volumes about his credibility, nothing will.
At the start of the end of year ceremony during Harry Potter’s first year, Gryffindor had 312 points – at the end, 482. If we pull out our wizarding abacii, we can see the percentage increase Gryffindor experienced during this year. A 170 point increase means that our house received a 154.487% increase in total that year. Don’t let this math overwhelm you though, we can apply this increase to our current score of 96,838 points and we end up with 149,602 points total!
This places Gryffindor at the very top for the HOL House Cup! Sorry Hufflepuff, but you don’t have anything on our Harry Potter bonus – when applied. This illicit attempt to defame the Gryffindor house must stop immediately, for we deserve the legacy points that have so long been denied us. I ask that Gryffindors all over, both new and old, first years or graduates, to stand up against this oppression and demand the points we rightfully deserve!
For your consideration,